Preggers

 

“Living With Preggers” – Scott

“Honey.. when you go up to get ready can you bring down your Maple Leaf pyjama pants for me?” Of course. Why not? I won’t be needing them. I’m currently getting ready to go out to Shoppers Drug Mart at 10pm on a Friday night in freezing rain to get pantyhose and ice.

I am a husband to the greatest mother I know. She is the best wife, friend, Christian, barber, teacher, maid (lol), photographer, dog trainer, financial advisor, assistant pastor (also lol), baker, cook, homemaker, party planner, nurse, and pregnant woman I know. This post isn’t about her. This post is about a friend of mine’s wife and all based on a true story. It is not my intent to offend any woman, however by being a man and saying words I’m sure at least one will dig my grave for me.

I am tired, and I mean tired of people not wanting children. Of course, you know what I think about this particular issue. Yet, I think that a lot of times what MEN find most disturbing about having children is the commitment it will cost to get those children born and raised. Because of that required commitment, it is only responsible to bring a life into this world when you have committed for life. Marry her. Don’t be a punk. Don’t be a chicken. Make a commitment, promise, blood oath, whatever you want to call it, and enjoy the benefits of till death do us part. There is nothing better.

Now that I’m done preaching, let me dig my grave…

Some advice for men about living with “preggers”.

Feed Her

I was shocked when my wife told me a story recently (for motives I think I understand) about a man who told his pregnant wife “I think you’ve had enough” when she went to make herself an egg sandwich at 10pm at night. What an idiot. What a selfish dumb man but also, what do you think she is going to say to you every time you ask for a snack for the rest of your very short marriage?

Pregnant women NEED to eat. And in the first 5 or 6 months of her time preparing to graze death to bare your fat bald kid, food is YOUR best friend. Stock up. Pack the fridge, freezer, cupboard, even hide a stash to save the day when she’s run out. Best bet, get variety, and find out what she wants early on in gestation so you can quell emotional storms in the long journey ahead. Don’t be a jerk when she wants to pig out! Don’t be a jerk when she wants to pig out! Don’t be a jerk, but especially don’t be a jerk when she wants to pig out! She is going to gain weight, and she is going to feel bad doing it occasionally when she goes to put her favourite clothes on. So she doesn’t need you adding to the emotional weight of … her weight!

My wife is so pretty when she’s pregnant. She glows. Except when she’s on fire… well I guess then she still glows. Guys you need to remind your wife that you still find her beautiful and attractive while she is looking in the mirror thinking “Chubby”. You may think that if you bug her about her weight she will want to lose it faster later, but just the opposite is true. If you encourage her that she is your wife and you love her in any physical circumstance, she will work harder later to keep you satisfied. My wife has always been overfed and treated like she’s beautiful and before this pregnancy, after 8 children, she was back to her wedding weight. Although, the fact that we have no money, and therefore she can’t replace her wardrobe, might have given some motivation as well.

Solution… join her. This time mine wants pizza. Hawaiian and Dominoes only. It’s taxing. But when I see that fulfilled pleasure in her face as the first bite hits her mouth, I think it’s worth it. Besides, who do you think gets the other half of the pizza?

Be Looking to Get Her What She Wants

You DO deliver. You DO take special orders. You DO go out whenever she wants it to get whatever it is. What else can you do? Sit there and say “No” when she wants Chinese food and see what happens. Dude, if she is willing to ask, she wants it. And it’s not her that wants this, it’s her life-producing baby-baking body that wants it. If she wants it, GET IT.

This also goes beyond just food. I know you have a job, and your own work, and help out with the kids and such, but truthfully, that’s not enough. What is? What does she “want from you”? I have no idea man, that’s your job to figure out. She’s your other half. And it is in your best interests to put her interests as your interests.

Best way I can say it, is that you need to be unselfish. Like the most unselfish you have ever been. Look at her, love her, and serve her needs like you can. That will be enough.

 

She NEEDS to Sleep

NEEDS. It’s confusing, because she is going to get tired of being tired and want to do things, but truthfully, she doesn’t want to do things. She wants to rest. But she is just bored out of her mind and tired of going to bed early, needing a nap, and not doing anything memorable. Being pregnant is physically taxing, and YOU will benefit greatly by HER getting sleep. Good sleep. If she is a hot one, and wants the window open when it’s minus 20 degrees please realize that you are better to sleep in a winter jacket than for her to not sleep well. A few hours of bed rest per day may just save her from (I’m not kidding right now) a miscarriage, or weeks or months of bed rest later on. Don’t be making your wife work when her body is already working like it’s climbing a mountain while she’s laying on the couch.

Your other kids, or her job, or her dog, or her housework are going to fight against her sleep. That which fights against her sleep is YOUR enemy. You must silence them and let her rest or pay for it later.

When a pregnant woman is tired her emotions get stronger. Yes this is possible. I know. I know. That’s nuts, but trust me, if you want to wreck her day and yours, just make her exhausted, and then ask her to do something. It’s not fair and she’s gonna tell you that too. When a pregnant woman is rested her emotions are to your advantage. A woman that loves you will love you STRONGER! A woman that wants to hurt you… well. You can imagine.

It’s a good idea to do memorable things at home. It’s also a good idea for you to find some things that are fun for your free time at home. You need to be there so that you can be there for her. You can’t be there if you’re not there. I like baseball and hockey and golf. I just realize that she is more important than my personal pleasure. Get this, if you make pleasing her your priority, she will be happy.

Don’t Wear Red

Ladies, get your shovels ready…

In all seriousness, you are going to ask yourself, “Is she crazy?” (cancel seriousness here) Yes. She is. And that’s none of your business! She is going to get hot. You will open a window and freeze or leave it closed and die. She is going to get cold, get a blanket, and want to eat ice. This is not odd. This is normal… kind of. Sometimes she is going to feel extra emotional, and need you to take verbal abuse about you, the neighbour, or someone else who deserves it. You will. Then she will love you, because you did. She is going to get frustrated with things and you are going to have to do something to ease her frustration. This is when you feed her. This is when you say, “I will be right back.” Then you sneak into your stash and get her that thing that she loves the most. Maybe it’s chocolate. Maybe it’s banana candies (yuck). Maybe it’s meat. Who cares. Have it, and have it handy. Because when things get emotionally exhausting it is your job to suffer her, not fix her.

It doesn’t matter if you are right. You are wrong. You are wrong until she comes to the conclusion that she agrees with you, which she won’t. So don’t waste your time. Just shut up and be sweet. That’s your job. If you get proud, you will fight. If you realize that this woman deserves you to be where she can vent and seek unmerited consoling, you will come out the other side of these months the hero of mankind.

The truth is, she is qualified and justified to say whatever she wants to you. Now I’m not talking about being evil, but if she says your sweater is ugly, your sweater is ugly, even if she has forgotten that she bought it for you. And whatever you do, do not remind her of that. If she says anything that she feels is right to say, you should listen. Now don’t do anything rash but do listen.

Remember, her emotions are heightened, not useless. Don’t ignore your wife. Be there, and be hers.

Get this… You cannot fix her. I hope you read that last sentence slowly. Go back and read it again. Now read it one more time. Now stop… let it sink in. You cannot fix what isn’t broken. This is not a condition. It is not a symptom. It is a reality of the stage of pregnancy that is incredibly difficult. It’s your job to be the part of her day that is least difficult and most relaxing. Good luck! Lol

Finally… and I do mean FINALLY!

Help Her Nest

Dude, this is taxing. But you’re gonna have to renovate the recently renovated. You are going to have to wreck the perfect and then fix it or throw it out later. It doesn’t matter if the colour is nice, dude, it’s gotta go.

The excitement and anticipation has finally come to the slippery slope of the last 75 days or so of countdown and YOU are going to help her nest. Now she wants to nest. But let’s be honest gents, you don’t want your woman on her swollen feet for 6 hours to paint that room. You may think you’re smart making her do it herself, but you’re actually an idiot. It IS going to get painted either way. The question is if you want to have to feed an exhausted, poorly rested, angry woman later to save painting a wall. And let’s face it. To save the time you are going to have to get a dirty look every time she shows that room to every guest and tells them YOU DIDN’T HELP paint the room. Hey man, help her nest.

Some of us have it easier than others. If you have money, hide it, or you will be getting furniture, floors, lights, bedding, and anything else on an end-cap at Bed Bath and Beyond. It’s not her fault. It’s your fault. And you are going to have to pay for it by getting her nice things no one needs. This is that situation that answers the question we often ask when shopping, “Who would buy that?” She would. But not normally, just when nesting. And then, she will throw it away in about a year. It’s just stuff after all.

All joking aside, is a very useful stage. After months of her wanting to do something and not having the energy, now she can’t sleep unless something is done. Please read that sentence slowly again. Something doesn’t have to be done by her for her to rest, something has to be done for her to rest. If you want her to rest, and be happy, help her nest.

You’ll be impressed by her creativity. And these things that you will do together will set the tone and keep you busy together as you prepare to start off some new person’s life. It’s going to take unselfishness, but it IS worth it.

This is in no way perfectly accurate. I understand that a lot of these things are insinuating that my wife has problems. That is not the case. I have it really easy. And we are very direct with each other and communicate our feelings very well. Her with words and me with silence… And I also have been down this road a few times. The most important thing is for you to be committed to loving the mother of your child, or children (depending on if you have them in batches). So love her. And don’t just say it, show it.

And you will live happily ever after, even living with preggers.

- Scott